My Peelings Are Hurt, Gotta Go To The Doctor

I asked the little boy, “What will you be when you grow up?”
He looked at me seriously and without actually verbalizing the “Duh”, he said, “an adult”. I think he even rolled his eyes.

Kids, ya gotta love ‘em. I know I do! ( Beetlejuice) Who doesn’t secretly love hearing funny stories about themselves as children? It’s a complement when someone has “a story on you”, as we say down South.


Let me see, some of the precious things I did are pretty cute I guess, I don’t really hate any of them. I don’t remember this, but my mother used to take Toddler Vi to this diner lunch counter-y bar type establishment. Apparently, I made the rounds of the patrons which consisted of I don’t even know what and came back with gum, dollar bills, change and the loot one gathers as the result of being an adorable child. This was the early sixties, I don’t remember this specifically, but I do remember diners and cafes. The Blue and White Restaurant in Tunica MS is a prime example of this. Speaking of this fine establishment, I have another pre conscious memory story that took place here, but that’s a story for another time.


Here’s one of my faves. A school bus driving girlfriend was driving her bus along one day and a pick-up, going on the opposite direction, swerved into their lane, then right back into his own lane. She and some of the kids on the bus were speculating what may have caused the driver to do that. Was he drunk? Did he fall asleep at the wheel?

One little girl pipes up and says “Maybe he looked down and counted to four”. It has become a catch phrase. Some of you may have heard me say it.


Now for the fun part, embarrassing my children.


X2 took Chris down to the local ice cream parlor and when they were leaving, she grabbed a toothpick and stuck it in her mouth. “Why do you need a toothpick,” he asks. “Sometimes I like to chew on ‘em like a tough guy”, is the answer.


Mel and I were riding in the car, listening to the radio. A commercial for Cats record store comes on and the announcer says “in ‘Cat’s all over Memphis’.” Mel looks out, all around and says, “I don’t see any cats.”


More random kiddie quotes from our little family tree:

Mama, isn’t technology a wonderful thing?

You gotta watch me, I’m sneaky like that.

You don’t hafta be married to have a baby.

What’s so so security?

What’s a serial number killer?

Mama’s at the booty shop.

I think I’m ‘bi-sexual”, I’m friends with girls AND boys.

Ow, my feet have bones!

Are you a dumb blonde?

Come git me, ah’m daid.

People shouldn’t drink and drive…..how can they see over the cup?

I love that band Bootie and the Ho Fish

Ah the times I’ve embarrassed my mother and aunt. I can remember this one: I was 6, spending the summer with Auntie Virg and UncaHoney, in Duncan MS, the year is 1967. There is a family cook-out going on and I pipe up and say, “Did my Mama make this potato salad?” No, Auntie Virg explained patiently, Dot is in Louisiana, she could not have possibly made the potato salad. “I didn’t think so, this is awful.”

The Awful Potato Salad in question was made by Auntie Virg’s sister-in-law, Jean. Jean prided herself on her potato salad, was famed for it, in the family. Auntie Virg was mortified for many reasons, not the least of which was that Jean was sitting right next to her. Jean never liked me, I guess I don’t blame her.


Here’s one I did to Dot. Like most kids, I could crank the vocal cords and be quite loud. “You don’t have to yell, we aren’t across the street,” Mama would scold. Elderly neighbor comes over, little old lady, hard of hearing. She’s a loud talker, most hard of hearing old people are. Five year old Vi admonishes, “You don’t have to yell, we’re not across the street!” Luckily, I think the old lady was too deaf to hear it, but I got the “glance of doom” anyway.


I get a call from the school, I’ve got to get there quickly, Kindergarten Chris has bitten a ring on her finger out of shape and it is cutting off the circulation. I run into the office and upon seeing me, she screams, “you’re not gonna beat me, are you?” Right there in front of all the elementary school dignitaries.


In the same vein, I remember this as clear as yesterday. I was two and I had wet the bed, my great-grandmother was sleepily grumbling as she changed the sheets. “You ain’t gonna give me to the people down the road, are you,” I cried.



And in closing…this isn’t about a kid. I have one of those faces, I guess, that encourages total strangers to approach me in stores and ask me to help them. I was approached by an older lady, not doddering, just older than me.
“Haave yew evah taken a leave,” she drawled, surely she was raised in the deepest darkest part of the tri-county area.
“Yes, I’ve taken a maternity leave,” I answered.
She wanted to know if I have ever taken Aleve.